Chapter 16

Thank you again for all your enthusiastic responses and threats but you know what they say, the road to true love never does run smooth....


“Nice shirt,” Mel chuckles as she steps off of the curb outside of the arrivals gate of the airport and slides into the back seat of Jordan’s car while her roommate enthusiastically greets my teammate in the front seat.

“We’re going to a charity bowling event,” I explain, while she puts on her seatbelt. “That’s why I told you to go with casual.”

“We?” she asks, looking wary, and I guess I’ve given her every reason to be wary of me in the last couple of weeks. I’ve been keeping her at arms’ length. I’ve had some thinking to do.

“Yeah, well it’s run by the WAGs so that includes you two,” I grin at her, expecting her to be happy about being included in that group but she just stares back at me, obviously not as impressed as I’d assumed she’d be.

“And we didn’t even have do any organizing. It’s funny how we haven’t even been asked to help out at all.” She’s smiling but it isn’t a smile that goes anywhere near her eyes. It’s that cold smile I remember well from when we were kids. It’s her ‘yes mother I love that dress’ smile when everyone knew damn well she didn’t.

“I’m about to take you to a public event, where all kinds of people will see us together. There will be photographers and even a news crew or two. We’ll be photographed. We’ll be official. You keep saying that I’m not taking our relationship seriously enough, I thought you’d be happy about this.” I feel like we’re fighting and I wasn’t prepared to fight. Not tonight. I thought this would make her happy and I don’t understand why she’s sitting there staring at me like I’m the one who’s in the wrong. “I thought this would make you happy,” I reiterate, but she only sighs, and closes her eyes and shakes her head.

“I know and that’s what makes this so...stupid. I know you think that you’re doing the right thing but the thing is you didn’t think, did you? I mean, you tell me casual so of course I think you mean like hanging around the house not going out in front of people and having my picture taken and seeing it all over the internet the next day.” She has a point, obviously and I feel like a complete idiot for not seeing it, but then usually when it comes to appearances I’m not the one making the decisions or doing any of the planning.

“Tell you what,” Gronk jumps in, glancing in the rear view mirror at both of us. “The mall should still be open and it’s late enough that even you should be able to get in and out without creating a mob scene.”

“Good idea babe. Hey, look at that, he’s not just pretty. He can be useful too,” Kennedy giggles, lightening the mood.

“I’m sorry,” I turn to Mel and she shrugs.

“I should be used to it,” she sighs, lacing her fingers with mine when I reach for her hand. “If it’s not a stick or a puck....”

“I’m not that bad,” I complain and she shrugs and laughs.

“You are that bad Crosby. You always have been. I keep thinking that with Taylor and your mom and Nathalie and Lauren you might have actually started to pick up on some feminine requirements but you’re just as clueless as you’ve always been.” She says it with a smile, or at least half a smile, but when she looks up from looking down at our intertwined hands, the smile almost fills her eyes but not quite.

“I’m trying here Kelly,” I remind her with a sigh and she nods but doesn’t move closer or lean in for a kiss like I want her to. Instead she turns and stares out the window at the passing traffic and buildings, leaving me to feel like a total heel.

_____________________________________________________________

Sid hates crowds. Always has.

Oh he knows the right things to say and he goes through the motions. He signs the autographs, kisses the babies, all that stuff, but he doesn’t enjoy it. Mostly, once things are underway, he tries to blend into the wallpaper, hide in the crowd, or, if that fails, he’ll pick just one kid, one family and concentrate on them. It’s that, or be overwhelmed.

I’ve seen it all before. After all, my friend Sidney has been a star for a long time now. I’ve seen him do this, just maybe not on this scale before.

No, scratch that. I’ve seen him deal with bigger crowds, but it’s been a while since there’s been one this...intimate.

It’s hard to believe, now that I’m here, that I was nervous about this. After all, once I got over the flash blindness and the initial introductions, I’m pleasantly surprised to find that everyone is really nice and although a few of the tween set stare daggers at me, almost everyone just sort of forgets who I came in with and leaves me to my five pin bowling, which I’m damn good at by the way.

“So, how’s your official coming out party so far?” I don’t need to turn to see who’s breathing down the back of my neck. I just laugh and roll another strike, turning to celebrate with my team which consists of a couple young boys in their Fleury and Crosby jerseys, freshly signed, and their dads who I think are having a good time checking out my ass in the jeans that Sid and Gronk insisted I buy at the mall.

“So far so good,” I grin at Max who grabs the hat off the nearest ankle biter and starts signing it, much to the kid’s slack jawed amazement. “I expected worse,” I admit, waiting for my ball to come back up.

“Don’t worry. It will be much worse by the morning. If I was you I wouldn’t go anywhere near the internet for a few days and don’t google yourself from now on,” Max adds, pushing the lid back on the kid hard enough that it goes down over his eyes, which makes the tyke giggle, which I suppose was the point.

“But it’s good that he’s doing it, right?” I ask, still feeling self conscious about the snug fitting penguins t-shirt with Sid’s number on the back. Not that it’s the first jersey of his I’ve worn, because I’ve actually worn them all, but it’s the first one that shows cleavage and the first I’ve worn when he’s walked into a room holding my hand.

“Well he’s trying to do the right thing anyway,” Max agrees, grabbing the second kid’s hat and turning it backwards to match his own. “I did try to warn you that he’s a social retard.”

“Speaking of which,” I begin, raising my eyebrow and leaning closer so young, impressionable ears won’t overhear, “you and Lauren...what’s with that?”

“I told you nothing. I’m not doing anything with her and..,” he stops as he realizes that I’m teasing and, by the shit eating grin on my face, that I know. “She told you...about Tanger?” he asks and I nod, waiting to hear his side of the story. “Yeah well...I couldn’t, not when I figured out that was all she was looking for.”

“Really?” I wrinkle my nose and bump my shoulder into his. “See that’s totally not what I would have thought. I mean, I thought you told her you didn’t want anything heavy so a little roll in the hay would be just what the doctor ordered,” I suggest, but the answering grin I expect doesn’t appear. “Okay I know technically that means she was just using you but I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“Yeah well, I do, as it turns out,” Max says quietly, shrugging his shoulders. “Maybe I’m finally growing up,” he adds, looking so serious that I actually believe him and it make me mad at Lauren. “Who knows? Maybe I’ll find Miss Right and settle down like you and the Creature over there,” he adds with the happy go lucky Max grin we all know and love.

“You? Settle down...puhleeeze,” I laugh, punching him in the arm before quickly grabbing my ball and heading for the lane.

______________________________________________________________________


“For a guy that claims not to have made up his mind about a certain young lady, you’re having a hard time keeping your eyes off of her,” Billy G notes as he joins me, back at the shoe rental area where I’ve been trying to keep out of the way.

Every time I try to actually join in, it gets too crowded to actually do any bowling. I just figure, back here, I’m out of everyone’s way and if they want to come and see me, then at least we’re not blocking a lane or anything.

“This was kind of a big step,” I mutter, watching as Mel picks up one of the little kids she’s been bowling with and hangs him upside down over the hand dryer at the ball pick up. The kid squeals in delight and the grin on her face...well it’s something else.

“And yet here you are and there she is and Max and Gronk pretty much won’t leave her alone,” my lines-mate notes and I can’t argue with him, except to point out that that was kind of the point.

“I won’t be able to always be there. I wanted to see how she’d do,” I explain with a shrug.

“So just another hoop for the poor girl to get through for ya huh?” he sighs and shakes his head. “How many more of those are you gonna put in front of that poor kid before you put her out of her misery and do the right thing?”

“What is the right thing do you think Bill?” I ask, honestly, still not tearing my eyes off of her as she finally puts the kid down at the top of the lane and kneels down beside him. She hasn’t looked around for me or anyone else once since she started playing with them. They have her full attention. It’s pretty amazing actually. “I keep thinking I’m too young to get serious with anyone, especially with someone that maybe deserves more of my time and attention than I’m ready to give. Do you think that’s fair?” I ask, turning to the older forward whose attention is focused on Mel as she cheers on a gutter ball as if it was the ninth strike the kid had thrown.

“She seems like a good kid and I think I’ll stand by what I said before. If she’s got a brain in her head and a heart in her chest and if you don’t put a ring on that girl she’ll be gone and you’ll be the one sitting around wondering what the hell just happened.” With a serious look, Billy puts his hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze and then smacks the bill of my cap down so I can’t see before he goes back to join his group who greet his return with loud cheering.
___________________________________________________________________


“So...that wasn’t so bad, was it?” he asks, his breath warm on the back of my neck. I smile around my straw but don’t stop sucking at the extra thick real chocolate ice cream milkshake. It’s too good and I feel too much like I deserve it to stop, even for Sidney as he slides into the booth beside me and brushes my hair away from the back of my neck and plants a warm kiss on the curve of my shoulder.

“I never said it would be,” I answer, reaching for fry from his plate before the waitress even has a chance to put it all the way down on the table. “I’ve never been worried about my own behavior. You’re the one who was waiting for me to make some kind of mistake all night so you could sweep in and save me from myself,” I add, grabbing one more fry while he stares at me, blinking at me like some kind of hoot owl, as if he doesn’t have a clue what I’m talking about. “What? Now you’re going to try and tell me that every time I looked up you weren’t watching me like a hawk? Waiting for me to do some small town bumpkin sort of thing that would embarrass you?”

“That wasn’t...,” he sighs and shakes his head before grabbing my hand and grinding my bones together as he tries to get me to sit still and listen. “I was just watching. I just...wanted to see how you fit in.”

“So I’m new now? I’ve never been around hockey players and people who think that you’re god? Please, give me some kind of credit Crosby, for fuck sakes.” Pushing my plate away I turn to face him, feeling this tightness in my chest as I do. I know damn well that picking a fight with him in public is the last thing I should be doing but, god damn it, I’m just tired of these games of his. “I mean it Sid. Stop putting traps out and hoping I’ll fall in them. If you don’t want this...if you don’t want us to be together like...like I want to then just please tell me now.” He opens those soft, plump pink lips of his to speak but I shake my head and raise my fingers up to press against them, silencing him. “I know it’s not your fault that I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember. I know I’ve kind of forced all this on you and to be fucking honest right now, if you’re just being nice by trying to make it work or if you’re just trying not to hurt me....”

This time Sid pulls my fingers away from his lips and turns my hand palm up, placing a brief, soft kiss in the palm of my hand before looking up at me, his gaze full of a tumult of emotions and I brace myself for what I feel has been coming for so long now; the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ speech, the ‘I need space’ speech. But then his big hand reaches out and cups my cheek and he leans forward and presses his lips firmly but gently against mine, in public no less, and kisses me into silence.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers at long last, the tips of his ears turning scarlet as he glances around to see how many pairs of eyes are trained on us. “I’m sorry about the whole princess and the pea thing. I just...I feel like I need to know that you can deal with all this...this shit that I deal with all the time and I wish I could just wing it and trust you and, I mean fuck, I wish I could just trust myself but..it’s really not easy being me Mel. I know you think you know but...you’ve only seen parts of it so far. It will get worse, I can promise you that and then...well then maybe you won’t want to be with me and I guess...if that happened I’d...I’d hate that.” My heart swells to hear him say it and to see the pain of the thought make his hazel eyes go glassy before he drops his gaze form mine. “I know you think you’ve done all the running and maybe you have but...it’s not like I haven’t compared every girl I’ve ever met to you,” he adds, and this time when he raises his gaze to meet mine, there’s the briefest note of humour in his voice and the smallest of sparks behind his eyes before he speaks again and both disappear. “It’s not like I haven’t been thinking of what it will be like to be with you. It’s not like I don’t want to but...if you can just wait a little longer, just until after the Olympics....”

Every ounce of sweetness, every puff of air he’s blown beneath my wings evaporates and I’m left with a bitter taste in my mouth as his gaze searches mine. Where a moment ago I’d felt warm, wrapped in the cozy blanket of young love, now all I feel is ice water flowing through my veins.

“Because a gold medal’s going to solve everything isn’t it? Because when you’re bouncing your grandchildren on your knee that’s your war story, that’s what you’ll tell them and they’ll look at you like you’re a hero. But tell me this Sidney. Will it make your heart full? Will it rub your aching knees and hold your hand in the dark? Will it?”

Chapter 15

That last chapter definitely had you guys thinking and I loved hearing from you and I'm glad that I'm keeping some of you guessing (won't tell you who's guessing in the right direction tho'!) So I was getting ready to throw a wrench in the works but then I had this conversation with someone and....


The regular duty to return me to the airport had fallen to Lauren and I found that I didn’t mind spending a little girl time with Mario’s eldest, even if it meant holding onto the holy shit handle of her car while it careened at top speeds through the early morning traffic. This particular morning, she’d barely snuck back in the house, her hair still wet and she was wearing a pair of jeans that looked an awful lot to me like they really belonged on a guy with more junk in the trunk than she had.

I wasn’t brave enough to ask her about that yet though. Maybe it was because I didn’t think I actually wanted to hear the answer.

“So have you and Max…?” Lauren shoots me a look that I hope she’s not going to make me interpret as she turns her baby Beamer onto the highway. It’s a question I had been longing to ask her when we’d gone to the spa together but hadn’t had the courage to. But now that Max had told me that things weren’t quite as they seemed, my curiosity was getting the better of me and besides, I’d decided it was easier to ask about Max then where she’d actually been last night, though I was willing to bet it hadn’t just been a house party.

“Almost,” she finally answers as she puts her foot to the floor and shoots past a slow moving minivan, flicking the driver the bird when the haggard looking mother leans on her horn. “We were like, right there,” Lauren confides with a roll of her eyes and a dramatic sigh. “That’s when he decided that he couldn’t go through with it. Can you believe that?” Actually I could and Max went up in my estimation for having had that kind of self control, although it was that kind of self control that was beginning to make me more than a little impatient with Sidney. “I mean literally, my legs were wrapped around him and that’s when he decides he can’t be the one to deflower me. Can you believe that shit?”

“Wow…really?” It’s the best I could come up with as I stare straight ahead, trying very hard to erase the image that had just sprung into my head.

“I know, right? Actually, once I got over being like, entirely mortified he told me that he thought it would be better for me to be with someone closer to my own age for the first time and I guess he was being like…thoughtful or whatever but…I mean, hello? I was naked so it was just a little humiliating.”

“So you’re a…?” I feel this immediate sense of relief in thinking that I’m not the last virgin on earth and can’t help but grin at her, wanting to wrap my arms around her and thank her for not being the worldly big city girl that I’d been thinking she was.

“God no,” she snorts rolling her eyes at me again as she slams on the brake pedal and dives off of the highway and onto the turn off leading to the airport. “I mean not anymore, thank god. Who do you think I was getting the wax for?” she asks as the car rolls to a stop at the next red light. I shrug, because that’s the best and only answer I can come up with. That had been what I’d been trying to work out in my head. “I mean, when Max suggested Tanger I was like…oooh, yeah, he’s nice to look at plus he has the same accent which, I mean, c’mon, it’s totally nice to listen to right?” I nod, clenching my teeth and trying very hard not to think ‘here we go, from the frying pan into the fire’. Max was going to have some definite explaining to do. “But he’s so, like, friggin’ shy and I did not want to be doing all the running but it wasn’t like that at all and he was such a gentleman about the whole thing. I am soooo glad that’s out of the way.” I literally had to push my mouth shut and force an agreeable smile on my face when she looks over at me before stepping on the gas again.

“So…I mean…just so I’m clear…you arranged to lose your virginity with Kris Letang?” I had to get her to tell me, out loud, that that’s what she’d done because it just didn’t make sense in my head.

“Well you don’t want to do that with someone you actually care about. Am I right?” she laughs like there’s no way in the world I’m going to disagree with her. So when she turns to me, I smile and nod, because it seems like the right answer. Completely weird and utterly foreign an idea as it seems to me. “I mean, can you imagine? The blood and the pain? Doing that with someone you actually like?” She shudders as if the thought itself makes her sick.

“So now you and Max…?” I don’t know how to ask this and part of me thinks I should be telling her to turn the car around so that I can have a serious discussion with that boy, but as soon as I ask the question, her high, free sounding giggle fills the car.

“Oh don’t get me wrong. Max is like…so great. I mean, I’d totally date him but I don’t think he’d ever be serious about anyone. He’s such a boy,” she grins conspiratorially over at me and I can’t help but at last completely agree with something she’s said.

__________________________________________________________


“Congratulations mon frère!” Even over my iPod I can hear Max and Dupers calling to Tanger as he walks towards the bus with his bag in tow, a shit eating grin on the usually quiet defenseman’s face. Narrowing my eyes, I notice yet another one of those cherry air fresheners hanging from the handle of his carry one bag and shake my head.

“Seriously, you guys are such frat brats sometimes,” Bill G pipes up and I’m glad I’m not the one that actually said it out loud.

“Tangs took one for the team this time,” Dupers laughs, slapping Kris on the back who at least shows a certain amount of reticence and turns a light pink as his teammates greet him like the returning hero.

“Do I wanna even know?” I ask, to which Max quickly shakes his head, laughing.

“No, definitely not. We wanna hear your big news, don’t we mes amies?” he grins, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and giving me a familiar squeeze. “So how’s it feel to be back in the saddle again?” Either my poker face needs work or Max just knows me too well, but it seems like he only needs one look at me to know that things didn’t go the way that he’d obviously thought they would when he and Gronk snuck out the door New Years Eve.

“No way! Still?” Gronk stares at me like I’ve just grown another head and then he shakes his head and has the temerity to look at me like I’ve somehow disappointed him. “Dude...seriously?”

“It’s not like what you guys are...doing,” I shrug, feeling very self conscious under the shocked gazes of my teammates. “I’m not ready for that kind of commitment yet.”

“Commitment? It’s just sex,” Gronk shudders, like the thought of it actually meaning more than just a roll in the hay has given him a serious case of the heebiejeebies.

“It’s not just sex or it wouldn’t be. Not with Mel. It would be like saying...well I don’t know what, but it would be more than sex and I don’t know if I’m there yet,” I try to explain, glad that Gronk’s case of the yips is seemingly more amusing than my lack of carnal knowledge of my girlfriend and most of the guys have lost interest in my pathetic explanation.

“Seriously, give me one good reason you aren’t ready to commit to that poor girl?” Max asks, and I open my mouth to tell him to fuck off, but when I look over at him, that ‘I’m fucking with you’ smile I expect to see isn’t there. Instead, my usually impish friend is staring back at me with an entirely too serious look on his face.
“She’s got a nice rack,” Dupers points out, just to be helpful and start me off I’m sure.

“Oui, et elle n’est pas dur sur les yeux,” Flower throws in his two cents, as if it’s required.

“Don’t forget she’s only known your pathetic ass votre vie entière,” Max adds, still not so much as cracking a smile as he faces me down with this expression on his face that I know too well. It’s the look that says ‘don’t fucking bullshit the bullshitter’.

“Oui, it’s not like she’s after your bags of money,” Flower agrees with Max. Well of course he does. He almost always does.

“A way out of the Harbour amounts to the same thing,” I mutter but the look on Max’s face makes me take it back, which I do, with a shrug. “I don’t know...I’m just not feeling what I think I should be feeling, if this is right I mean.”

“And what’s that, exactly?” Billy G asks, looking up from the paper I assumed he was actually reading. “Sorry, I know you guys don’t think you need the old guys advice but uh...in this case it sounds like you need someone’s advice that actually knows what they’re talking about,” he adds, folding his paper over carefully, along the creases, before tucking it up under his arm. “So, what is it you think you’re supposed to feel?”

“I don’t know,” I shrug, feeling really self conscious now that the elder statesman of our team is looking down at me. “I just...I guess I’m waiting for whatever you’re supposed to feel when you know it’s right...you know that ‘she’s the one’ feeling.”

“Right, and what do you think that’s going to feel like, just curious,” he adds and the smile on his face tells me I’m being mocked and I feel the tips of my ears go red in response. I can’t help it. This is bad enough without everyone else knowing that I’m a complete relationship retard.

“I don’t know...I just figured I’d know...like maybe a fucking bolt of lightning or something.” It feels kind of stupid when I say it, but it’s the truth. That’s exactly what I keep waiting for, like the fucking hand of God is supposed to come down and light her up like a fucking Christmas tree with a fucking blinking neon sign over her head that will tell me I’m making the right choice.

“Yeah well, I don’t think it works quite like that,” Billy G chuckles, which makes me not want to look at him and causes me to shift uncomfortably from one foot to the other.

“Well then what the fuck am I supposed to feel? I keep hearing that I’m gonna just know but....”

“Do you want to know how I knew Kara was it?” Billy asks, sounding dead serious, and when I look up at him he has that ‘father knows best’ look on his face, so I shut my mouth and nod. “Because she wouldn’t put up with my shit, never complained about the job and never asked for anything. Plus she’s pretty damn hot,” he adds with an impish grin. “But seriously kiddo, it’s not like you feel more of something it’s actually like you feel less...less worried that she’s slept with your teammates to get to you, less like she wants you to pay for her parents’ house or that she’s with you for the wrong reasons. It more like...you just feel calm around her. At least that’s what it was like for me and Kara. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong her kid but it kinda sound like maybe that’s what you’ve got going on here but without the whole drama thing, you’re just assuming you’re missing something and my bet is you’re not. But I’ll tell you one thing I do know for sure. If she is it and you keep playin’ her off like this, a year from now when you do figure this shit out, she’s gonna be with someone else.”

________________________________________________________

“Kens, you awake?” I call across the hall. I’m pretty confident she is. I’m fairly sure I heard her having a mumbled, under the covers type conversation, probably with Jordy.

“Yeah,” she calls back, sounding like she’s been waiting for me to ask. “What’s up?”
“Do you remember your first time?” I ask, hoping that I sound nonchalant.

“Ugh...I wish I didn’t but yeah. Why? Oh my god, is Sid a....?”

“No, I mean I don’t think so, no,” I answer quickly, happy she doesn’t automatically assume that it might be me. “I was just talking to Lauren and....”

“Oh that little tramp. So you heard about the whole Kris thing,” she laughs and suddenly she’s crawling in under the blankets with me and it’s like a sleepover when I was a teenager, except I never had one of those. I heard about them, just, never wanted to get involved with the whole ‘you paint my nails and I’ll paint yours’ scenario.

“Yeah, so...what do you think?” I ask, rolling over to face her, expecting a look of disgust to be on my roommate’s face but she just rolls onto her back and lets out a sigh.

“Smart girl. I sooo wish I’d thought of doing that,” Kennedy replies, catching me entirely off guard. “In fact, when Jordan told me about it, I was totally thinking of setting up a website and pimping that kinky Frenchman’s ass out as a professional cherry popper. I bet he’d have them fucking lined up around the block. Fuck, he could totally quit his day job,” she adds with a laugh, before rolling back onto her side to face me, a big grin on her face. “Oh what? Yours was wonderful and romantic and you think she did a horrible thing?”

“No..I mean...it’s not always that bad,” I mutter, wondering if I really look that shocked and trying to school my features.

“Give me ten girls and I bet you a hundred bucks each they’d say the same thing,” Kensie sighs, flipping back onto her back. “The mess, the pain...I wish someone had actually told me the fucking truth instead of telling me to ‘wait until it’s right’,” she adds, pitching her voice higher and making a face.

“Your mom too huh?” I laugh and she rolls her eyes and nods.

“It’s like childbirth. I mean thank god for the tv and internet, now we all know how much that fucking hurts, now we just need to get the word out about this fucking myth and woman might actually give up on the whole idea of romance and get their heads on straight,” she replies in that ‘sisters together’ way that sounds like she’s about to get up on her soap box.

“So yours was really that awful?” I ask again and she rolls her eyes and wrinkles her nose.

“Graham Meier,” she begins, pulling the sheet up to her chin as if she can protect herself from what is obviously not a pleasant memory. “His parents were away and I thought I was in love and man I had dreamed about how great it was going to be and I had all this romantic rose petals and candlelight thing set up and it was totally great until he put my legs up over his shoulders and shoved that thing inside of me and then....,” her voice trails off and she shudders. Actually shudders in revulsion. “I am telling you, I thought I was about to die. It hurt so bad and then I was crying and he was like freaking out and there was blood and he was totally not prepared for me to be screaming at him to stop and...oh yeah, if I could do that shit over again, I would definitely go for someone that has way more experience with that sort of shit and I would never, ever have done it with someone that I cared about.”

“So you and Graham?”

“Oh yeah, we totally broke up. I couldn’t face him after that. It was just too...icky,” she laughs, letting out one last long sigh before rolling over to face me again. “So, anyway, you and lover boy, everything okay there?”

“Oh yeah,” I lie; painting what I hope is a realistic smile on my face. “Everything’s just peachy.”